Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
