You're completely useless in the revolution.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
