At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We have started to decorate penises.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
