Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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