So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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