Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
