Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
