just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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