I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
