Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
