I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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