i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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