I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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