my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
