The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Are we still banned from the library?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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