if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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