I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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