Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
