new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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