yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
