I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
