Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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