Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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