it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize