I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
