I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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