She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
