Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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