I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
