if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
