I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
