i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
