I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
