Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
