I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
