You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
