I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
