I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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