I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
