I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
