I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
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