He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
and she was petting her beer can
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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