turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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