Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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