The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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