I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
