The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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