I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
