I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
