I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
