He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
