When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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