so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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