I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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