I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
