got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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