A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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