she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
