don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
