I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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