yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
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