That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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