I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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