i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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