Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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