If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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