What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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